It’s been a while since I gave the time to really put down my thoughts on some kind of journal medium. I haven’t touched the physical journals for a long time. Maybe it’s about time that I do.
After talking with some friends who have been feeling down, I can’t help but analyze my own situation. I’m twenty years old and will be turning twenty-one in less than a month. I still live with my parents and asking for help. I still have not been in a proper relationship. I still play games. I have no real sense of priority. I attend an online school. My graphics have been getting worse due to the lack of practice. I have no motivation to practice anymore. I still work at Blockbuster.
I already know what is preventing me to do what I need to… but I can’t find the motivation to keep going anymore. I often think that my words are for naught. What good are the advice that I give if I’m not even fit to give them and no one appreciates it? It’s frustrating enough already at work when I have to deal with some ignorant customers. Customers are customers so I don’t really care too much but when people that I know disregard what I have to say, it’s quite discouraging. Even though I know that they do read it and probably take it to mind… I still can’t help but think these thoughts.
I have so many talents and abilities that I could share with the world… but it seems like money is the only thing that’s pushing me down. It’s not even money honestly… it’s myself. If there is one thing that I can not stand in this world, it’s me. I know myself the best, therefore I know the best solutions for myself. Yet because of the fact that I know the best solutions for myself, I also know the best way to counter these solutions and go back to the way I am. It’s a never ending loop of self pity and aimless goals. The only pride that I have in myself for now is the fact that I’ve given up drinking carbonated drinks. I have been slowly changing the amount of time that I spend on playing games as well but it fluctuates from time to time. I think it was a good idea to lend my friend Marvel vs Capcom 3 as that was a thorn in my side. I have many regrets and it’s too late to really be sad about that.
What really makes me sad is the fact that I’m not the son that my parents can honestly be proud of. They say that they don’t mind but I know that they do. They’re Korean after all; they have their pride. I mean come on, how can you be proud of your son when friends ask about certain things such as, “What does your son do? Where does he live? What school does he go to?” With me in my current situation… I can sense the small sting of scarred pride in my parents and it hurts me more than anything. To be the son who can’t do anything to make his parents proud… it’s the worst feeling that I feel. It’s even worse when my parents address it.
I hate the situation that I’m in and I hate myself for knowing myself too damn well. Will I be forever stuck in this state? Am I too surrounded by a wall of glass? When will I finally break through? After all… it doesn’t seem like anyone is willing nor will they be able to help me…
Same thing with me. I don’t even have a job, and I’m probably not going to college this year since I can’t get into any of the classes I need. And I’ll probably be living at home for at least a few more years. (Better than throwing away money renting, right?) Luckily, though, since I’m friends with most of my parents’ friends, pride isn’t so much of an issue.
Motivation is my problem, as well. I feel, though, when I finally grow up, most of my problems will fade away.
Poor baby, clearly I should reinstall MSN to keep you inspired.
I kid.
BIG QUESTION TO EVERYTHING, so what? So what if you still work at blockbuster? So what if your graphics arent the best? So what if you may not feel adequate to your parents? So what if you arent in a relationship?
Pride goith before a fall, or so they say. And I agree with that. I dont have a job. I dont find my graphics very remarkable. But I dont let that keep me down, tomorrow’s a new day, and dammit its going to be better and I WILL make it better. Stop hoping, stop wishing, AND START DOING.
Also ponies…. PONIES MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER….
You’re right about the graphics… I need to just start doing. I honestly don’t care about the relationship really… just something that my family likes to point out and make me feel awkward about…
Though you should really try to understand my culture a bit… It’s not my pride that’s hurting when I work at Blockbuster, it’s my parent’s. Obviously you don’t know what it’s like to live in a family like mine where as a first born son, you have been given expectations to live up to which I’m fine with. The fact that I can’t live up to those expectations is what’s frustrating. Also… finding a new job (as you may have already found out) isn’t very easy. I’ve been doing, but I haven’t gotten any good results.
Regardless, this was just a rant but your concern is very comforting. Thanks.