As I go by living each day, one at a time, I move forward content knowing that I can tackle each new thing that comes my way. Then there are days when that all comes to a halt and I find myself in a weird state, a moment where it feels as though my entire being is not right. In these moments of melancholy, I often notice my everyday behavior shifts in a floating manner. The way I talk is lighter, my gaze goes past its original recipient, and my step glides its way forward. Just like last time, I think to myself, “Ah, it’s happened again.”
Although rare, I’ve grown accustomed to feeling the way that I do right now. It’s similar to being met with a friend whom you’ve known to be pessimistic for as long as you can remember; while the pessimism does bring you down, you still welcome your friend.
I used to wonder why I would enter this… “state of existence” until I started to recognize some of the triggers. I’ll be watching/reading/playing something when a certain theme or topic is brought up. There are times when there is no possible reason as to why I would be feeling this way. Those are the moments when the melancholy is mixed with frustration. I’m careful not to self-diagnose so as to not label myself incorrectly… but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if these are symptoms of something I should be concerned about. In the end, however, it’s never something that has any debilitating effects on my daily routine. More often than not, my concerns disappear just as quickly as when the melancholy fades away.
When these moments do occur, I try to write down my thoughts so as to allow myself to revisit them when I’m in a better condition. I always felt these things would allow myself to evaluate these thoughts in a healthier manner and give me something to do when I’ve no one to talk to (or, rather, don’t wish to talk to anyone).
This time, this state was caused by two things: Doki Doki Literature Club and Land of the Lustrous. Ever since a friend had pointed out these self-reflections are often inspired by things I play or watch, I can’t help but feel a little embarrassed; it’s as though I can’t naturally come to these thoughts unless I’m propelled by some outside source. In any case, allow me to explain.
By now, it’s common knowledge that the free visual novel, Doki Doki Literature Club (or DDLC for short), is much more than it appears. The game is dressed up to look as though it were a very cute game with very cute characters, when in reality, it’s has numerous disturbing moments and psychological horrors hidden beneath.
I had played the game as I had been commissioned to do a group photoshoot session featuring cosplayers dressed up as DDLC characters. To help myself understand the characters and the way I should have them posed for a successful photoshoot, I try researching the material these characters are from. More often than not, I’ll go for a cliff note approach. However, it turns out the visual novel is fairly short and takes little time to go finish one route. Since I have the wonderful privilege as a store owner to access the computer during down time, I decided it was the perfect opportunity to get to know these characters!
Many friends who’ve come to know me would also know that I’m a fan of horror games. I’ve always enjoyed the exhilarating rush of finding myself in horrific scenarios involving a constant danger to my character’s life. With that in mind, I proceeded onwards to DDLC with little worries. Turns out I was right on one hand, but there was one scene that I had not prepared myself for at all, starting this melancholic journey.
So, of course, there are obvious spoilers up ahead. If you wish to avoid them, I honestly think it would be difficult to do so as I’d have to explain why it had affected me. With that said, allow me to continue.
I had played the game following the Yuri route. I had reached the point where the main character’s childhood friend, Sayori, was beginning to reach the boundaries of her inner pain. I continued playing, having a faint idea of what was going on. After Sayori gave a painful confession, two choices came up.
I love you.
You will always be my most cherished friend.
Like the confession, the choices and their consequences were painful (in the sense that they were abundantly obvious). I was curious to see how far they would go and clicked the second choice without much thought.
Fast forward a bit, and you find out Sayori still hadn’t come to school. When the main character decides to see if she was still in her room, he is met with a shocking image, one that I have difficulty forgetting.
Sayori had hung herself in her room.
Suicide alone is already a very touchy topic and something I’m always uncomfortable with. The image of someone hanging themselves had always been one of the more disturbing imagery I have difficulties handling. It’s almost as though it was their way of showing the world their death was as painful of a struggle as simply living.
For obvious reasons, I won’t be giving out names, but I have met and known several people who had talked about the possibility of ending their own lives. I was always frustrated knowing that no matter what I say, even if it does help them in the end, I felt useless. Useless to help them, useless to understand them, useless to get them out of that dark area, useless useless useless… and felt even worse that I felt this way when I should have been focusing on helping said person.
It should as no surprise that the topic of suicide is very serious and should never, in any way, be glorified. To do so only minimizes the suffering these people had to go through. So imagine my disappointment when the Logan Paul Suicide Forest controversy happened. I recall about a month prior to the controversy, someone I knew was talking about how they “dont understand suicide in the first place” mentioning how society several decades ago don’t have nearly the same amount of places and communities that help with these issues now. The fact that these two people missed the point so thoroughly is what had really gotten me upset. If they’re that socially inept, it’s probably safe to assume they will either never understand, or it will take a great deal of effort to even have them remotely understand.
… Anyway I’ve digressed from my original point. So I had just experienced a very graphic picture of a girl who’s hung herself. Since I was at work, I was fortunate enough to keep myself occupied and it had not affected me in a noticeable matter. As time went on, after driving home, having a quiet dinner, and walking my dogs, the image hit harder than I had anticipated it would. Prior to walking the dogs, a friend had asked if I was up to chatting a bit on a voice channel in Discord. I initially told my friend I’d probably do so after walking the dogs… but the image of Sayori was still stained in my mind. The thoughts surrounding the imagery was enough to have me apologize to my friend and went against my decision.
Interestingly, it only took the next day for me to have readjust and gotten my head together. I had actually wanted to write all of this during the time I had all these thoughts, but decided against it as most of what I wanted to say had dissolved along with my melancholy.
Just yesterday, I started watching Houseki no Kuni. Hopefully you’ve been following along well and was able to deduce as to why I began watching this show. Yes, I had another photoshoot planned where the cosplayers were featuring characters from the show.
The setting and premise of the show proved to be quite interesting from the start. It was something that happened a little after halfway through the season. The main character, who had always struggled to find a way of being able to contribute, found herself being saved from danger again… but this time at the cost of another’s life. This was the moment that broke the camel’s back for the character… and myself.
You see, watching a character sacrificing their life to save another always gave me a bittersweet taste. Even worse, seeing how this changes a person. Although it has never happened to me in person, I’ve been in a situation where it was close. As such, I think I can safely assume that I understand the extreme sadness and guilt that is often accompanied by these sacrifices.
Honestly, after a while, I wasn’t sure what was going through my mind nor what I even wanted to do about it. I knew, however, that I had to write a post about it. Surprisingly enough, I was able to write swiftly and smoothly. I was able to write at a comfortable pace whilst also at a level I was happy at. I don’t expect myself to write at a professional level, nor should I without training. Nevertheless, I’m quite happy to have finally written this out and my melancholy seems to have been lifted, ever so little. While these moments, now only just having been yesterday by the time I finish this post, fade into the past, I think it’s important to reflect back upon them. I’ve found there’s usually a sense of clarity that can be found. The trouble is that they’re clouded by anxiety and aimlessness. Perhaps that’s more true for me than it is for anyone else, but that only adds more reason to write these moments down.
With that said, allow me to share the last two stanzas of lyrics from a song I recently started listening to. I think it’s a good note to leave with.
From Fading Lights
Another chance hello, another goodbye
And so many things we’ll never see again
Oh, The days of life that seemed so unimportant
They seem to matter now, but to count much later onSo far away, away, fading distant lights
Leaving us all behind, lost in a changing world
And you know that these are the days of our lives
Remember